He Needs...

Me. Baby boy needs me when I'm enjoying my pedicure. She cut out two, deep ingrown toenails while I was waiting for a phone call. Nothing. I leaned back into the massage chair as the warm towels were wrapped around my unshaven legs. My life is consumed with people needing me therefore pedicures are on the bottom of the list and I guess I could add shaving my legs too. 

It happened. My husband called and in the background was a cry that makes my heart sad. He was hungry. If I wasn't breast feeding I'm sure it would be a little easier because he wouldn't need my goodies.

My bright orange toenails were drying as I paid for my 30 minutes of bliss, and I rushed home. He was giggling and talking with Dad when I frantically swung the door open. Relief. Then I thought maybe I could have run to Starbucks for a late night caffeine fix since I needed to start grading. 

His slobbery face looked at me. I fed him and reminded him I'm the luckiest momma in the world. I wouldn't choose any other life if I had the option. God created the sweetest boys on the planet and inserted me into their lives. My boys need me and I need them. There isn't a thing in the world that could replace that feeling. 

Teacher World

Slowly I opened my decorated Thanksgiving door and walked inside. Exactly 12 weeks had gone by in a flash and I didn't feel ready for this moment. While my bag was empty, but certainly not for long, I knew it would be overwhelming and wonderful. On the floor was Kleenex, broken, chewed pencils, and candy wrappers. This signified that Flu season was upon them and they were being rewarded. The smell hit me the hardest. Cat peed and sweat. I'm sorry to ruin your appetite. A combination of a feline loving home and hard work. My expectations were set too high. I wanted my desk to look exactly how I left it. I was dreaming. Papers, papers, and more grades papers attacked my eyes. Sticky notes dated a month back and left over work for me to figure out. 

Obviously I chose to come back to work in order to save my sanity for one and because my insurance is superb. We built a new house almost a year from today and I'm thankful for that luxury we can keep. Teaching is in my blood. My grandmother holds the teaching gene and now my mother has started teaching. I love my job in it's entirety. 

I cleared a path to see the mouse and also pushed the power button; let the games begin. I turned on my Promethean board, wrote the unplanned objectives on the laminated chevron papers on my bulletin board. 

"Today I will survive," I encouraged myself. Many coworkers had found the right sentence to say to me that morning. I was feeling I could accomplish this small task of getting through my first day of school back from maternity leave. 

My son has the best babysitter in the world and I wasn't worried about him at all. The only thing I was trying to figure out was if I could pump fast during my planning time. At home pumping took me forever and I was a little worried my system would be rocky, but I made it. 20 minutes and I was cleaned up, milked out, and hungry. 

Hour by hour I thought more about how I wanted to stay home with my perfect Cohen. He was probably sleeping and dreaming of our snuggle time as I taught my students procedures again and again. They couldn't remember how we sat down and raise our hand if we had a question. I was swarmed with hugs and little voices asking me how Cohen was. 

Lunchtime. I drove fast and furious to the babysitters who was 7 minutes from my school. I stuffed a sandwich in my face on my way to feed my little bug. He was having a great day. No fussing. Thank you Jesus. This was more reassurance that I COULD do this.

At the end of our 4th grade day I sat in my chair for the first time. Yes. I maybe dozed off for 30 seconds. My coworker waltzed in with copies in her hand, reminding me of what I needed to do and immediately made me exhausted    thinking about how much work I was going to put off until I had a breather. She was also motivation I could do this. See we are besties. She understands me and I understand that she can't teach without me. HoLLa back if you have one too. Three years strong. 

These small reminders are light in the darkness for me. I tend to expect to much and then left disappointed each time. Isn't that what we humans do? 

Cast your cares. Lay aside worrisome thoughts. Give some time. 

That my dears is the way to let God work where you already tried.

~NM

Going Back to Workaholic

Once Upon an Emotion...

His butt was etched with rolls as I lifted up his legs to change the soaked diaper. How did he get chunky and 15 pounds so fast? My mind was pacing inside of my baby file. Breast feeding maybe? Maybe it was persistence as I scrolled delightfully to the first few weeks Cohen was with me. The hospital swore he needed formula. The pediatrician knew he was in danger of losing one more ounce. Distress and inadequacy painted more pictures while I finished up the last snap of his shark onesie. No one tells you exactly what's going to happen to the 30 minutes you wasted on Gilmore Girls and Weight Watcher Snicker's Bars. Not anymore. No time for indulgently gazing at the box. Long baths at night. Journal entries with specific details about each of the emotions you felt that day. I feel that I was a giddy pregnant women, up until my blood pressure and breathing were difficult. My poor feet made each of my coworkers stare in pain and of was given a speech about how it needed to be addressed. Seriously it was a struggle the last oh..3 months. When I communicate this with other experienced mommies it makes the awkwardness of the conversation escalate. Emotions are raw and shouldn't be cooked by words each time. People have to just vent and talk about the frustrations of being pregnant and much more importantly, motherhood. My husband is a fixer-upper. I can be in tears talking about what I feel when I leave Cohen with the babysitter. He changes the subject by inserting a quote, special scripture, and one more encouragement that helps him. Nothing wrong with that. Hear me out. We need to listen. I need to listen. Let's talk about the once upon a time for a sec.

Once upon a time I wanted to be pregnant more than all the other maidens. My birth control was boring and I was baby crazy August of 2013. "Honey I really think it's time!" Said I with exclamation and my most beautiful smile. He knew it would take awhile. God knew it would take a while. I however, was determined to be pregnant in August so I could enjoy my newborn and maternity leave at the beginning of the school year. Reality set in and five months later I was crying. No ovulation. No period. Nothing. Ok obviously an obgyn visit would have sped things up a bit. I wanted to do it the way...please finish my sentence. My aunt is an obgyn that lives several hours away and suggested I take Pregnitude. Yes. It worked. December I was ovulating and January I had my first positive. New Year miracles were already happening.

Fast forward several months. Tired, on the couch, and at 3:00 pm I hadn't made it out of my pajamas. My half-marathon self wanted to push past the weight gain. I probably ran 2 miles total while I was pregnant. No, I'm not bragging at all.

My story begins with a small dream and is fueled with daily snuggles. Oh mylanta, the snuggles. My heart starts pounding, I begun to laugh from the depths of my spirit man. God answered all my prayers. He's faithful.

Two stories were filled with not so much joy I heard this weekend. One, a man said his high school friend's daughter is having drug related problems with her son. Another lost her unborn son.

Those emotions we need to listen to. Uncomfortable and ready to change the subject we would be if they were pouring out tragedy to us now. Let me guide you to what scripture says we are able to do at these moments a friend confides her soul.

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." (James 3:17 NKJV)

Before this verse we are instructed to bite our tongue. My advice to myself in these previous opportunities is ask God what he would have you do and say while carefully listening. Take this and run. Run into the secret place and call after a God who hears our every thought. My desire is not to offend anyone while pregnant or who has entered mommy hood.

His wisdom can take us where our heads won't lead.
~NM