His butt was etched with rolls as I lifted up his legs to change the soaked diaper. How did he get chunky and 15 pounds so fast? My mind was pacing inside of my baby file. Breast feeding maybe? Maybe it was persistence as I scrolled delightfully to the first few weeks Cohen was with me. The hospital swore he needed formula. The pediatrician knew he was in danger of losing one more ounce. Distress and inadequacy painted more pictures while I finished up the last snap of his shark onesie. No one tells you exactly what's going to happen to the 30 minutes you wasted on Gilmore Girls and Weight Watcher Snicker's Bars. Not anymore. No time for indulgently gazing at the box. Long baths at night. Journal entries with specific details about each of the emotions you felt that day. I feel that I was a giddy pregnant women, up until my blood pressure and breathing were difficult. My poor feet made each of my coworkers stare in pain and of was given a speech about how it needed to be addressed. Seriously it was a struggle the last oh..3 months. When I communicate this with other experienced mommies it makes the awkwardness of the conversation escalate. Emotions are raw and shouldn't be cooked by words each time. People have to just vent and talk about the frustrations of being pregnant and much more importantly, motherhood. My husband is a fixer-upper. I can be in tears talking about what I feel when I leave Cohen with the babysitter. He changes the subject by inserting a quote, special scripture, and one more encouragement that helps him. Nothing wrong with that. Hear me out. We need to listen. I need to listen. Let's talk about the once upon a time for a sec.
Once upon a time I wanted to be pregnant more than all the other maidens. My birth control was boring and I was baby crazy August of 2013. "Honey I really think it's time!" Said I with exclamation and my most beautiful smile. He knew it would take awhile. God knew it would take a while. I however, was determined to be pregnant in August so I could enjoy my newborn and maternity leave at the beginning of the school year. Reality set in and five months later I was crying. No ovulation. No period. Nothing. Ok obviously an obgyn visit would have sped things up a bit. I wanted to do it the way...please finish my sentence. My aunt is an obgyn that lives several hours away and suggested I take Pregnitude. Yes. It worked. December I was ovulating and January I had my first positive. New Year miracles were already happening.
Fast forward several months. Tired, on the couch, and at 3:00 pm I hadn't made it out of my pajamas. My half-marathon self wanted to push past the weight gain. I probably ran 2 miles total while I was pregnant. No, I'm not bragging at all.
My story begins with a small dream and is fueled with daily snuggles. Oh mylanta, the snuggles. My heart starts pounding, I begun to laugh from the depths of my spirit man. God answered all my prayers. He's faithful.
Two stories were filled with not so much joy I heard this weekend. One, a man said his high school friend's daughter is having drug related problems with her son. Another lost her unborn son.
Those emotions we need to listen to. Uncomfortable and ready to change the subject we would be if they were pouring out tragedy to us now. Let me guide you to what scripture says we are able to do at these moments a friend confides her soul.
"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." (James 3:17 NKJV)
Before this verse we are instructed to bite our tongue. My advice to myself in these previous opportunities is ask God what he would have you do and say while carefully listening. Take this and run. Run into the secret place and call after a God who hears our every thought. My desire is not to offend anyone while pregnant or who has entered mommy hood.
His wisdom can take us where our heads won't lead.
~NM
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